Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
