I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
