...so i touched it.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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