she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
