alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
