She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
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She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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