My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
