Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
