Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
