A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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