I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
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He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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