Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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