He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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