worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
