woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
