i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
