what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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