He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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