my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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