Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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