I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
