I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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