dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
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There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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