I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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