The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
