Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
