Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
