If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
