I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
