you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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