plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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