3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
