Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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