you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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