I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
