she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
