Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
