Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
