i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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