Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer