just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.