I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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