I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
