and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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