Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
