I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
