all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
