Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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What drink are we having for lunch?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.