No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i think i just lost a toe
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
