I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
