The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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