He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
