Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can't turn off my feet"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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