Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
