Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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