I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
