So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
