The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
