I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
