she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want to be your penis for a week.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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