Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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