I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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